Tech Support by F N Karmatz

Phone: Ring...Ring...This is a recorded message. For customer service, press 1. For product information, press 2. For billing inquiries press 3. For Technical support press 4. I repeat: For customer service...

Computer user: I did press 4.

Recorded Voice: All support personnel are currently busy. We will connect you to the first available person. Please be in front of your computer and have it turned on. Meanwhile, we will place you in a queue. You are 21st in line.

Computer User: Good grief. How long will this take? (drums on table )

Recorded Voice: All support personnel are busy. If you need support, you can access our website, www .Accura .com .au . If you put in your query, we will answer you in four hours or less. Just leave your email address, area code and telephone number.

Computer User: I tried your bloody website two days ago, yesterday and today, you dills. You have a large notice on it: Due to technical issues, our website is temporarily out of order. Please try again later.

Recorded Voice: All support personnel are currently busy. We will connect you to the first person available. Meanwhile you have been placed in a queue. Please be in front of your computer and have it turned on. Your current position is 17th.

Computer User: I could have fixed it myself, if I had the manual. But no, your manual is available only through your website and I can't access your bloody website because it's caught a virus. If you can't keep your own website operating, how're you going to help me. Yeah, yeah, I know your answer-you don't have to because the warranty runs out in 90 days.

Recorded Voice: All support personnel are currently busy. We will connect you to the first person available. Meanwhile, we have placed you in a queue. Please be in front of your computer and have it turned on. You are now 12th in line. Your call is valuable to us. Please wait or visit our website: www.Accura.com.au ...If you put in your query, we will answer you in four hours or less. Just leave your email address, area code and telephone number.

Computer User: You bet your techies are busy..busy screwing up someone else's laptop or modem or router or wireless communicator. If you made a decent product with a printed manual, I wouldn't be calling you. As a matter of fact, I've put off calling you as long as I humanly could. Note, you robot, I said 'humanly' possible. God, your virtual voice irritates me. You sound so bloody polite. You mouth words, but you don't say anything. Just listen to you sound off. I've heard it all four times now. Support is available 24 hours a day. I am a valuable customer. My call is important. If it were so bloody important, why aren't you talking to me right now? What, I am now 5th in line...Howdy do dah. I'll bet you I get to be next in line and you will cut me off. That just so you can get me to redial... Wonder what my cell phone is going to cost me this month?

Distant Accented Phone Voice: This is Mutai speaking. What is your first name, please.

Computer User: Are you for real? I mean a real person. You sound so far away?

Distant Phone Voice: Yes sir. I am in New Delhi. This is Mutai speaking. May I have your name please?

Computer User: I'm troubled.

Distant Voice: Troubled? Is that your first name or surname, sir?

Computer User: I'm Frank McTroubled. Just call me Frank. And I hope you are, too. Here's my problem:

Distant Voice. OK Frank, before we can get to your problem, I need a few details. With which product are you having a problem?

Computer User: My laptop. It is an Accura TravelMate 4060. My problem is...

Distant Voice: Just a moment, sir, I have a few more questions before we can solve your problem. I need your laptop serial number. It is on the bottom side of your device, Frank.

Computer User: Just a minute, I have to turn it over. Have to close the lid, first. Ah, here it is: TMT:658934XY4784DM56. My problem is that I can't...

Distant Voice: I'm sorry, could you repeat that more slowly?

Computer User: T for Tom M for Mary T for Tom 6 5 8 9 3 4 X for x-Ray Y for Yellow 4 7 8 4 D for Dog M for Mary 5 6... My problem is that I can't access...

Distant Voice: Just a moment, Frank. I need some more information. What was the date of purchase of your TravelMate 4060?

Computer User: I don't know, several months ago.

Distant Voice: All right then, Frank. Did you send in a registration card?

Computer User: You bet I did. My problem is that I can't access the...

Distant Voice: Excuse me, Frank, but I will have to look up your registration. I will put you on hold for a moment.

Computer User: And I'll bet Mutai will go mute, go walk-about or go bush... What has the bloody purchase date got to do with my problem? Man, how long are you going to be? (Drums on table.)

Distant Voice: I have it Frank, you purchased it November 2, 2007. That makes it more than six months ago and the warrantee is no longer valid. So, if there are any factory repairs or parts, you may be charged for them.

Computer User: Look, that's not my problem. My problem is that I can't stay connected to the...

Distant Voice: Just a moment, Frank, I have some more blanks on this form that I must fill in. Have you had a previous problem with your laptop or is this the first time you called in?

Computer User: If I had a previous problem, Mutai, and had to go through this, I certainly wouldn't be calling in.

Mutai: No, Frank, if you had a previous problem, I would have had a reference number and I would not have to fill out this form again. Please tell, me Frank, what is the security code on the bottom of the computer.

Computer User: OK, just a moment. You know, I still have the machine turned on and I have to close the lid to turn it over. I'm looking on the back. No, nothing else there.

Mutai: OK Frank, it may be under the battery pack. Take out the battery and look under the battery.

Computer User: How do you do that?

Mutai: There is a sliding latch, just next to the raised rectangle on the bottom of your computer. Please turn off your computer before you remove the battery.

Computer User: Right! I have done that. Here it is: SEC4992374X

Mutai: Thank you Frank. And now tell me if you purchased it in Australia or overseas.

Computer User: Here! I bought it here, damn it. Look let's get to my problem. I only need to...

Mutai: Now, the last item--what is the name of your dealer, Frank?

Computer User: Haywire Computers, in Carindale, Queensland 4161.

Mutai: Thank you Frank. Now before you tell me your problem, you must have your laptop turned on and in front of you.

Computer User: Just a moment. It's upside down and the battery is out of it. I have to set it right on the table again. (loud crash). Damn! Hey Mutai. I dropped the bloody thing. Anyway, it's back together again. Wait a moment and I'll boot it up. I'm having a little problem, Mutai. It's beeping and the power light is flashing. What do you want me to do?

Mutai: I'm sorry Frank, I can't help you. The regulations are that you must be in front of your computer with the machine switched on. Thank you for calling Accura. (dial tone.......)

Computer User: Hello Mutai? Hello Mutai?....

Ends